This is a collection of (random) pieces that I wrote or found. Spoiler: nothing about tech/coding ;)

[Updated on 2021-04-12]

伪文言文

祭君文

2012/02/08

吾在涘南，君居浦北。吾以长衫，君以素裳。君颔而歌，吾跋而望。

吾第京都，君亦迁土。吾念其名，君还以笑。君既莞尔，吾以自知。

吾拜远戍，君省于路。吾念其苦，君无受繁。君不肯从，吾心已定。

就此别离，三年而反。寒塞地僻，无以传书。

未及城郭，吾奔于车。寻君旧处，不知向路。

借问老妪，君以何处。却道未时，君为所辱。

奈何不可，涕流泪疏。无言以复，自沉南湖。

呜呼！吾不知甚哉。诚知其如此，虽万禄之俸，受之何加？虽闻达之位，取之何益？吾心如水，君心如镜，镜花水月，终不可得矣。

呜呼！奈何相养以生，相守以死？一在天之涯，一在地之角。生而影不与吾形相依，死而魂不与汝梦相接。抱此无涯之憾，几何吾生乎？

彼苍者天，曷其有极！彼茫者烟，曷其有隙！

天长地久有时尽，此恨绵绵无绝期！

或曰，若相爱，必相惜。然则相爱何以相与，相与何以相依，相依何以相惜？

悲夫哀哉！何由与君诀！青冢覆白雪，心未死而人已逝。

高二上期末⬇️

虞美人

可怜春半无紫霞，闲潭梦落花。寺宇连日无吟咏，鸿雁长空山色有无中。

泠枫浦上烟波深，不见夜归人。问君会否托青鸟，青冥寒月苍茫两潇潇。

青玉案

北风连夜千帆舞，迷天雾，气吞虎。暮雪沉沉停不住，扁舟舳舻，月华万里，离人争渡。

挥杯劝影还复泪，泪洒潇湘丝霰垂。故国此去无多路，乘风觅影，顷刻虚无，恍然梦醒处。

无题

华光如练，寒声似雪，千里诵清诀。泠风凭玉蟾，破寒天，伊人窥不见。

凝霜皓腕，脂霰素颜，黯妃仙。莞尔倾城，恨入尘网间。

暗香融，柔波浓，换世依旧笑靥盼清风。

无题二

人生只若如初见，何事千载诉清缘

红巾翠袖薄素颜，梦啼妆泪红阑干

此情可待成追忆，谁道当时未惘然

高中的歌

错落

残烛古卷，纤指轻点你宛然

轻罗小扇，谁又扑灭了心碎

舞弄墨彩，霞印琵琶水映梅

红罗帐，她饮杯，为谁

牧曲小调，高山流水难相对

夜色未褪，柔荫带露目光邃

晨光熹微，不及你发梢融的雪

人何处，我转身，笑对

满城笑语，你独拭泪。羽裳一舞，错落不归

缘起难牵，你欠了谁。笔墨点残阳铺一道你的美

柳枝依依，叶影相随。花败花开，花香不碎

柔情似水，我誓不会。雨落西塘淋湿了你的韵味

一笔温柔，晕开了恩怨是非。冷冷月光，红苑香脂凝无悔

语笑嫣然，不晓粉蝶已断魂。小轩窗，她梳妆，为谁

孤步庭间，怎不见你有人陪。月光不睡，无情摇落青丝坠

碧云信断，东流春水我掺泪。错掩娥眉，等深闺，铜镜再锁你娇醉

这烟花漫天的夜，我借青史书你梦落不回

那一天

那一天，是否真的会来临，可我却怎么也看不见

那一天，是否真的有期限，可我只怕不能活到一万年

看不见，你那张最美的脸，只能感到它的纯真

我就像是一只孤雁，穿梭在云间

我要飞向的那边，啊你会在那边

雨打湿我的衣襟，用什么去风干

你就像是断线的纸鸢，啊千万别飞远

那一天，是否真的已不远，可你我相距一万光年

那一天，是否真在山那边，可我担心不可翻越绝垣山

走不近，你那边最香的甸，只能闻到它的芳香

我就像是一名游子，行走在山间

我要奔向的那边，啊是否有伊人

泪冲淡我的笔砚，用什么去消遣

你就像是飘落的叶片，啊千万别飞远

也许我真的不能等到，等到那一天

你又会与何人，说着何言

小P孩

不明白 你说的那片最美的海

只看见 你眼中泪水还在

不明白 你说的几句好像表白

只是觉得 你脸色红得可爱

也难怪 也不怪 我只是个小P孩

胡子还未长开，怎懂得情爱

也难怪 也不怪 你只是个小女孩

辫子还未解开，怎懂得伤害

我就是传说的小P孩 还未被丘比特箭伤害

我就是传说的小P孩 吃着棒棒糖流着能汰

我就是传说的小P孩 我的初吻还在

我就是传说的小P孩 不想要老婆和姨太太

小P孩不懂得你的爱，只知道浪漫不该来

你说的会爱我到一生，就当是玩过家家菜

我就是传说的小P孩 还未被玫瑰花刺伤害

我就是传说的小P孩 看着奥特曼打着小怪

我就是传说的小P孩 我的初恋还在

我就是传说的小P孩 不想要老婆和姨太太

麻麻，我要吃奶！

笑度

十载寒窗我悄然把霜凝住

冷户难暖怎生满银树

一笔丹青墨书怎可表达出

我寒窗苦读

砚色苍苍我静静把诗吟赋

狼毫不干难勾勒墨竹

一曲老亭流水，谁把古琴拨动

她断桥边住

无羁月色，奔入我朱户

心扉欲开，想把她描出

清风吹柱，怜它逃不出我屋

妆台银镜中藏有她的笑度

可怜我还是书生，有爱也不敢倾诉

写下这篇赋

红颜笑度，却叫我笑不出

红颜笑度，却叫我苦想哭

我反可封户把琴声止住

等我把香桂折后，再说出

行走着的我

乱事很多 胡乱地思索

行走着的我 该忧伤还是快乐

悲伤错落 化作一条星河

剪影斑驳 回忆中的落寞

彩色的梦 粉刷成灰白色

人的冷漠 该怎样融化隔阂

行走着的我，该忧伤还是快乐

阳光很多 盛开了花朵

独自的生活 为什么不该快乐

幸福错落 宛如那道银河

时光流转 不是记忆中的灰色

自己写歌 会有人跟着和

有何不可 一个人的生活

没有你的我 不要悲伤要快乐

Time goes by, even faster than I.

Days elapse, just too late to say bye.

You passed by, like a passer-by,

I just could not say hi.

高中日记

人为什么会言不由衷呢？迫于当时形势还是为了长远利益的考虑？A white lie到底是为了不让对方难过，还是说，根本liar就是个double。也许谎言只是一瞬间形成，然后越陷越深……又或者，蓄谋已久的比说真话还流利？

蓝月亮

2011/8/31

你也要随波逐流了吗，年轻的神？随遇而安和随波逐流又有何区别呢？

神可以容忍人类的谎言，但却不能不叹息自以为是的人们逃脱了他的眼。

神可以容忍人类的欺骗，但终究不能容忍想要听到真话时虚假的谎言。

于是，年轻的神继续走在无尽的夜，仙女的歌落寞地洒在阴影交织的角落，也成了蓝月亮的影。

风平浪静的海面，只有年轻的神知道深处的躁动。可那表面，却平静地有些死寂，只那蓝光散在波光里，潋滟竟也像音响一样纯净。

强烈的反差让神也迷了神，竟未发现，那海也是一女子幻化而来。海浪骤起，神竟也跌到浪底，吞噬在漩涡里。海浪继续笑着，拍打着神留下的金色脚印，月亮的蓝，倒显得有些诡异了。

神醒了，原来是梦。神也会睡觉，也会做梦的。

睁开眼，四周依旧蔚蓝，那是蓝月亮的光。

神却好像什么也不记得，只是淡淡地朝月亮一笑，那月光便更加浓郁了。

化成歌，化成海，蓝月亮的眸子无处不在。而年轻的神啊，你的灵魂，又是否不在无处呢？

月依旧是狡黠地笑了，神也回以一颦，相安无事。

风霜刀剑，顷刻虚无。

蓝月亮的光最后终不能到达神的心啊，神的心啊终究不能送给蓝月亮。就这样，苍茫相望。

神的话啊，终不能被月光遗忘。神的心呀，注定不能与蓝月分享。蓝月亮是不能读懂神的啊，可为什么，主宰一切的神，也读不懂那一抹月光？

该记得的，该忘记了。游走在天地之间，潜行于江河湖海。年轻的神去寻找自己所无法掌控的未知，却发现未知变为已知的可怕和未知越来越多的迷茫。曾经的证据，现实的苍凉。一道红光，一抹蓝光，交汇之中，却显得更加可怖。

神啊，该记得的，愿你永远记得。该忘记的，早早淡忘吧。就像她的歌，她的海，或者说，天隅的蓝月亮。

Life

There are doubts in my mind, then bleach me; There are shadows in my heart, then light me; You are a monster. You fight and never die.

I am the master of my fate and the captain of my soul

Chance favors the prepared mind & Fortune favors the bold

你必须非常努力才能看起来毫不费力

If you are still looking for that one person who will change your life, take a look in the mirror.

Death never stops to rest. Neither can we.

it's impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.

后来许多人问我一个人夜晚踟蹰路上的心情，我想起的却不是孤单和路长，而是波澜壮阔的海和天空中闪耀的星光 《走吧张小砚》

“Today I will do what others won't, so tomorrow I can do what others can't” --- Jerry Rice

"Reason is, and ought only to be the slave of the passions, and can never pretend to any other office than to serve and obey them" --- David Hume

Every soil where he is well is to a valiant man his natural country.

New York is 3 hours ahead of California, but it does not make California slow. Someone graduated at the age of 22, but waited 5 years before securing a good job. Someone became a CEO at 25, and died at 50. While another became a CEO at 50, and lived to 90 years. Someone is still single, while someone else got married. Obama retires at 55, but Trump starts at 70. Absolutely everyone in this world works based on their Time Zone. People around you might seem to go ahead of you, some might seem to be behind you. But everyone is running their own RACE, in their own TIME. Don’t envy them or mock them. They are in their TIME ZONE, and you are in yours. Life is about waiting for the right moment to act. So, RELAX. You’re not LATE. You’re not EARLY. You are very much ON TIME, and in your TIME ZONE Destiny set up for you.

If you're going to be weird, be confident about it.

有独立性格的人，懂得照顾自己，在事情处理妥帖后能尽情享受生活。 他们不常倾诉，因自己的苦难自己有能力消释。 他们很少表现出攻击性，因内心强大而生出一种体恤式的温柔。 他们不被廉价的言论与情感煽动，坚持自己的判断不后悔。 喜欢这样的人，也因他们并不在乎别人是否喜欢他们。

Love

Some people try to find the one, while some try to be.

I'm a virus in the air. I'm looking for some host. So don't get too close, or you may get cough.

I'm a virus in the air. I'm innocuous for the time. But heed what's happening, in case I wake up in the morning.

I'm a virus in the air. I'm pacific in the wind, but seemingly not in your flesh. You shall get thirsty, thrilled, twisted. You shall rip your vessels and crush your heart. You shall deify the illusion in your mind. You shall crawl on the ground for whole day long.

So don't come. You never ever did, and never ever will.

Tried to let go. Almost succeeded

believe betray beseech

forever forsake forgive forget

no hope no dupe

I am too cautious to start a wrong relationship. I am too surreal to be real.

I don't really see much of anything. But I see you. That is crazy.

I am so sensitive that I act more like TCP than UDP.

I'm a vessel, filled with other souls.

footloose and fancy-free

人们总是相信自己愿意相信的事情，就像你相信我喜欢你，我相信你不喜欢我。

我怕我爱上她，她爱上我；也怕我不再爱她，她不再爱我

I still have plenty of time, but there is no more for you.

Don't fall for me when I am capable of leaving.

Love is like shampoo, it takes a while to find the one.

Be good yourself. Be better together.

Rain or shine, I will be by your side.

Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to

我渴望能见你一面，但请你记得，我不会开口要求见你。这不是因为骄傲，你知道我在你面前毫无骄傲可言，而是因为，唯有你也想见我的时候，我们见面才有意义。——西蒙娜·德·波伏娃《越洋情书》

远远看去优美而神秘的人和事，只要拉近了看，就明白原来他们既不神秘也不优美。——《追忆似水年华》

她明明已经很好了，可是她还要变得更好。

她有很好的学历，很好的样貌，很不错的工作，可是她出去玩，她看电影，她吃美食，她拍了好看的照片却从不发朋友圈炫耀。

她背着包手里还拎着袋子，同行的男生要帮她，说不用我自己可以。

她每天晚上看书，工作，写论文，她受到匿名的礼物，只是自己收好，不会发朋友圈配上图再假装无辜的问一句，这是谁干的？

你这么低调，可是我为什么这么没有安全感？

因为我害怕，每一个真正接触过你的人，都会爱上你。

Dear Madam,

Thank you for your interest in offering me a position as your boyfriend. However, due to the large amount of love confessions I received this year, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your confession at this moment.

Please be aware that this rejection does not reflect any negative evaluation on your confession. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of love confessions. With such a varied and promising result, it is impossible for me to accept all confessions, regardless of their outstanding confessing performances.

Again, I greatly appreciate your interest in loving me, and I offer my best wishes of success in your future love confession.

Best,

Dean of Love Confession Acceptance and Financial Aid

Please do NOT reply directly to this email.

The world's full of lonely people afraid to make the first move. — Green Book

若能避开猛烈的狂喜 ，自然也不会有悲痛的来袭 — 人间失格

Fate is worth the wait — Strawberries & Cigarettes

Loneliness is just a crime — Say hello

你是我患得患失的梦，我是你可有可无的人。 毕竟这穿越山河的箭，刺的都是用情至疾的人 — 写给黄淮

乍见的欢喜 潦草的散席 — 过境

Why do we choose to chase what we'll lose? — Jar of love

I'm a fool out of love 'cause I just can't get enough — The Show

木叶纷纷归路，残月晓风何处。消息竟沉沉，今夜相思几许。秋雨，秋雨，一半因风吹去。— 纳兰性德

-- "I love you"

-- "Love is a strong word"

-- "I acknowledge your existence"

休即未能休，且待三更见日头

一个人爱上小溪，是因为没有见过大海 可我已见过银河，但我只爱一颗星

像你这样的人 我除了喜欢你，还能有什么办法 你说的每句漫不经心的话 全在我心上开成漫山遍野的花

傍晚的阳光金黄而辽远，四季交替如此温情， 你迟到了许多年，可我依然为你的到来无比欣喜， 哦等一下，我要裁一段星河赠你， 人间烟火错落，你也不能逊色。

I am your partner, not your therapist.

Random

一段感情能给你带来多少酸楚，就曾给你带来多少幸福；一段代码曾给你带来多少痛苦，就能给你带来多少满足

写代码易，调试不易，且行且珍惜。

想要实例化的时候，却还都是抽象类

设想很美好，deadline太早

The guy, dead before getting shot in the head, told a lie for a rest.

what makes a real man fake, himself or the world?

Too awkward to move forward.

If fate is linear time-invariant, then a time shifting may help.

遗忘需要功

往事不可追 来世不可待 过去已过去 未来尚未来

lolls around on the ground

take your time to tell a lie

世有paper，然后有ddl。ddl常有，而paper不常有。

I know who I am, but you don't know who you are.

Have no fear of perfect. You'll never reach it

Someday, someone will best me. But it won't be today, and it won't be you.

The only thing you should know is that you know nothing.

Your stupidity is eclipsed by your laziness --- Westworld

Oh my life, is changing everyday, in every possible way — Dreams

Our consciousness creates the present, just as it creates the past, from many distributed clues scattered in our mind.

尘缘尘梦尘虞泪，缘深缘浅缘是罪。若水若云若魂飞，梦痴梦醒梦千回。

from womb to tomb, we are bound to others, past and present.

上院初，下院暮，仰思百年菁菁路，留园玉兰顾；江川渡，剑川宿，樱花蓁蓁怡情驻，饮水思源处。

Mystery is not about travelling, but looking with new eyes. Philosophy is not to learn, but to feel.

no rest, no mercy, no matter what

A cynic is what an idealist calls a realist. --- Yes Minister.

少年有他的山海， 有他的重重山影， 有他的万里波涛。 如果可以， 风给他， 沙漠给他， 天空也给他。 是无拘无束的风， 是会下大雨的沙漠， 是铺满星辰的天空。 万物给他， 让他自由。

Mumbles

I do what I want when I am wanting to.

I want to be a bad guy but I don't have enough time.

You are the poison and you are the cure.

I'm a freak cuz I'm afraid.

I can’t get enough and I’ve had enough.

It’s irrational to stay rational all the time.

The world is owned by constructivism.

One paper, one instrument.

You’ll see what you seek.

Everyone is a murderer and a murderee #EverybodySucks

Dreamers always dream. Players always play.

I am home where I am.

"There are decades where nothing happens, and there are weeks where decades happen."

Democracy doesn't account for stupidity

How can I grow exponentially if I work sublinearly?

弃我去者，昨日之日不可留；乱我心者，今日之日多烦忧。

The objective of life is too hard to optimize.

2019-07-04 Afterthoughts on <Nymphomaniac>

For now, I am considering all human behaviors, legal or illegal, moral or immoral, “understandable”. One has to be responsible for the consequences though. If you are a serial killer, you have to be prepared for being punished by law enforcement. If you are a sex addict, you have to be ready to be judged by “normal” people. I guess that is basically how the “modern society” works, right?

I would rather think of all these “odd” behaviors as some kind of revolt of the minority against the majority. What is right vs. What is wrong is pretty vague and in fact, the correctness of things often changes over time. For example, there seemed to be no space for LGBTQ ppl hundreds of years ago and perhaps one hundred years later from now, same-sex marriage is not only legal but required :)

I can feel Joe when she was telling the intriguing story. Well, I could also say she was self-defending sometimes (as Seligman said) but it doesn’t really matter, does it? Humans are too good at persuading themselves into sth that they like to do so as to feel comfortable when actually doing it. Just like they tend to sightlessly believe what they want to hear regardless of the bloody truth.

I guess the trickiest part of human interactions is that there is no way you can tell whether someone is lying or not when she/he is “expressing her/his feelings” rather than stating some factual or tangible things that you can easily verify. And humans, unlike ants, unfortunately, are so capricious! Even if she/he meant it when saying it, after a while she/he might also change her/his mind. The sad thing is that you couldn’t even know if she/he was sincere in the first place, except for taking their words based on mutual trust.

I think Joe is brave when choosing to be herself during the therapy session. After all, not every pedophile has the courage to expose himself. Don’t get me wrong. I am not praising/condemning pedophilia but as I said, you gotta be ready to pay the price when doing sth not accepted by others. But the question is, what do you want? Or do you even know what you really want? And are you ready to bear the cost? Things like this are too complicated and worsened by the fact that we are capricious.

I don’t know if the fundamental element of humans (or any other creatures) is sex. Personally, I think it would be too boring if so (at least it shouldn’t not the only one)... And perhaps I will never know it (if some magic anti-aging is not invented later). I still remember I was picturing a future where there is no gender and every one is somehow interconnected with each other. It may start with the die-off of males, which seem to have a harder and harder time to keep their sperm kinetic and have more defective chromosomes than females… Well, let’s use another story for that.

And yet, I hypothesize sexuality is what genes force us to do, even without us realizing it at times, to survive for themselves. What about memes then? Is homosexuality in our genes or just memes that are recently more popular than ever? Perhaps I am partially affected by the book <The Selfish Gene> (which is a good read BTW). One plausible reason it gives for supporting homosexuality is in our genes (which always try to reproduce themselves) is that: the first birth may make the second birth more inclined to be homosexual so that she/he could gain more advantages over his/her little sister/brother in later competitions.

2019-07-26 Everybody is the center of the world

It seems that (almost) every kid believed he was the center of the world in his childhood. After growing up, they become more “mature” and realize the globe is not centered around him. On the contrary, I still have a feeling that I am the center of the world, well, my world and here is why.

Different people perceive their surroundings differently. On one hand, people view things with emotions, shaped by their memories related to the same or similar things in the past (perhaps also dissimilar things in a more covert way like neural nets). On the other hand, it is simply impossible to tell if my world is the same as yours even if the functions of our eyes are similar and we observe (almost) identical things. When a man thinks his girlfriend is pretty while his friend disagrees with him, are they really looking at the same person in every detail and aspect? When someone passes away, is the world still meaningful, or rather, does her world still exist (excluding the possibility of an afterlife)? To that extent, everything around one person exists for himself, in the way he looks at them. Of course, being the center does not necessarily mean everything comes to you: according to the hypothesis above, everything lives autonomously in its own center of a different world created by its own observations, and the interactions among different worlds are rather complicated. An interesting counter-example of the independency of people comes from one book that I am reading: those participating in political or religious movements seem to be fanatically united with each other and live for the same purpose as if their worlds were the same. The theory in the book is that their lives are terrible (their world is crappy) such that mass movements give them a new purpose of life. The hope of a brand-new world makes them forget their aimless lives.

When I was a child, I used to pray to a “god” in my world. Well, it is more like negotiation. For example, I would promise not to play video games for a week and ask him for good grades in the final exams. As you can imagine, sometimes it works so I would continue trading with him, and sometimes it doesn’t. Unlike people with actual religion tho, I would blame him when it doesn’t work out instead of blaming myself :) I don’t remember when I started to stop relying on him. In retrospect, however, I guess one of the benefits out of this is that it makes me more disciplined and determined.

What's in your world?

2019-09-14 The Mist

I am often bothered by the statements that can only be proved wrong. That relates to what I wrote in a previous passage. Basically, for some arguments or claims, you can only prove them wrong but not prove them correct. This might be fine for science as there are so many people working on proving things wrong either directly or in some downstream applications. For interpersonal relationships, however, it is quite troublesome: the only means seems to be inferring the probability of sth holding true based on one’s credit history and other relevant pieces, which looks plausible but could still be annoying when you need to make a binary decision instead of just measuring the PR curve. Thresholding is too tricky esp. when every action counts and you won’t have another chance to reproduce the experiments. Well, this might be just an excuse (rationale) of me lacking trust in others.

I feel like I am giving up something I valued, something I deemed precious. I can’t say whether it is good or bad for my inner world in the long run. But at least, it will probably reduce the expected amount of loss in the short term I presume. Although I find that I am still kinda different from everyone I know in some aspects, maybe I am more realistic (alike to other humans?) and less romantic now. After all, one can never live in his fantasy from womb to tomb, right? I am still not planning to give up on myself. But who knows? Maybe someday I may also do it. That, at least from my present POV, would be a tragedy tho. We are vessels filled with other souls. You’ve gotta make ends meet.

2019-12-13 Dilemma

I used to think it is others that are difficult to understand. Recently, I started to realize I can’t understand myself either. What do I need? What do I want? How can I treat myself right without hurting others? Should I proceed or quit when the outlook is so dim and either way looks potentially damaging?

Someone told me loving yourself is always right, even at the expense of others. I would say a truly “selfish” man like me won’t agree with such a claim. Leveraging others is risky too. Hatred incurs hatred. Violence begets violence. If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you.

What if someone simply doesn’t have any morality and doesn’t even care? The word “PUA” appears quite often recently on the news. The victims may not have the power to rebel. But still, I (naively) believe that revenge will come one way or another, e.g., the “artist” might lose his job (if he values job over sex of course). Also, public opinion seems to be extremely powerful and can put great pressure on the ones in the eye of the storm. I was put under the spotlight twice by accident. But luckily, most of the “melon-eating people” were on my side :)

What if the stories are not under the spotlight then? I don’t quite believe in fairness and criminals may also get away with their crimes. However, I conjecture that their minds will be altered in a way that could prevent them from (originally reachable) greater success, i.e., they could have used the same skill/time for sth greater. But again, different ppl may value different things (what I value is apparently different from many men lol) and it’s hard to define one’s success. Also, that might just be self-consolation.

I have a hypothesis that one’s mind is largely shaped by her childhood. Boys that were harassed become gays. Girls that got infected become neat freaks. Those who didn’t feel love don’t know how to trust, and those who saw lies understand words matter. Some are born dreamers, some players. And dreamers always dream, players always play.

That being said, people still change over time after growing up. Every time when I look back at what I did a while ago, I would find myself an idiot. Perhaps this is a good thing, implying I am still not too old to learn. Plus, there is really not much I feel I should regret (if any).

People tend to take kindness for granted and only learn from badness. In a blink, it is already the end of the first decade. Hopefully, we all learned a lesson in 2019.

2020-08-02 Social Animal

It's been quite a while since I wrote something (random) and then I realized 2020 has passed 58%! The future is always hard to predict, especially for a high-entropy year like 2020. This year is both long and short, with some mixed feelings perhaps for everyone. When I checked what I have done so far, it seems like there is nothing eventful compared to last years. Maybe I can only comfort myself with the facts that I am still exploring the unknown (publishing papers incidentally) and having fun with music (beginning to learn blues harp this summer).

More than 4 months has passed since the IL stay-at-home order was issued on March 20. Although I never hoarded any food, there was some awful flashback in my head too. Now, however, it seems like ppl are getting used to their new lifestyle (well, at least me). Or rather, it didn't even influence me as much. Anyhow, there is not much fun outdoors, and perhaps the only difference is that I changed from dine-in to food delivery... In the past 4 months, I only met one person that I know, which might seem unbelievable or unacceptable to some but apparently my brain is totally fine with it (now who is the real introvert lol). It's hard to explain why I enjoy being alone. Not that I don't need others‘ company, but somehow it seems like I don't really need in-person interactions (glad that we invented internet) after middle school. What have changed me...?

[Continued ravings on 11/27]

Are humans really social animals? What do we need others for? Are there ppl that don't need others' care or love? Are they more focused than others and thus better at what they want to achieve? I wouldn't say I'd like to be one of them (although I have some of their traits already) but I will appreciate them if they have a clearer goal of life by being more independent and less interrupted (if their goals don't involve other humans of course). Note that I distinguish attachment from collaboration cuz usually one needs to work with others to achieve more.

How much of being social is in human's DNAs? If eunuchs are not asked to serve at some royal palace, can they have a better career than average men? How is being social connected to sex or reproduction? If it's more about hormones, do rapists with chemical castration have less need of friends too? Now I wonder if there are ppl willing to conduct chemical castration voluntarily (recalling some recent news that did it physically)... What do other humans mean to serial killers? Do they see all others as prey or only treat the victims differently? Do they need friends or only joy of torturing others? I guess such questions are too hard to answer. After all, most of us are of the "normal style". Even if being solitary indeed belongs to some recessive gene, it is apparently harder to get replicated. Memes probably can't help either since they are alone (mentally)... Perhaps that's why I still haven't found a person without any attachment to others. Well, I guess by definition I will never know since they won't be open to me ;)