This is a collection of (random) pieces that I wrote or found. Spoiler: nothing about tech/coding ;)
[Updated on 2021-04-12]
伪文言文祭君文 虞美人青玉案无题无题二高中的歌错落那一天小P孩笑度行走着的我高中日记蓝月亮LifeLoveRandomMumbles2019-07-04 Afterthoughts on <Nymphomaniac>2019-07-26 Everybody is the center of the world2019-09-14 The Mist2019-12-13 Dilemma2020-08-02 Social Animal
也难怪 也不怪 我只是个小P孩
也难怪 也不怪 你只是个小女孩
Time goes by, even faster than I.
Days elapse, just too late to say bye.
You passed by, like a passer-by,
I just could not say hi.
人为什么会言不由衷呢？迫于当时形势还是为了长远利益的考虑？A white lie到底是为了不让对方难过，还是说，根本liar就是个double。也许谎言只是一瞬间形成，然后越陷越深……又或者，蓄谋已久的比说真话还流利？
There are doubts in my mind, then bleach me; There are shadows in my heart, then light me; You are a monster. You fight and never die.
I am the master of my fate and the captain of my soul
Chance favors the prepared mind & Fortune favors the bold
If you are still looking for that one person who will change your life, take a look in the mirror.
Death never stops to rest. Neither can we.
it's impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.
“Today I will do what others won't, so tomorrow I can do what others can't” --- Jerry Rice
"Reason is, and ought only to be the slave of the passions, and can never pretend to any other office than to serve and obey them" --- David Hume
Every soil where he is well is to a valiant man his natural country.
New York is 3 hours ahead of California, but it does not make California slow. Someone graduated at the age of 22, but waited 5 years before securing a good job. Someone became a CEO at 25, and died at 50. While another became a CEO at 50, and lived to 90 years. Someone is still single, while someone else got married. Obama retires at 55, but Trump starts at 70. Absolutely everyone in this world works based on their Time Zone. People around you might seem to go ahead of you, some might seem to be behind you. But everyone is running their own RACE, in their own TIME. Don’t envy them or mock them. They are in their TIME ZONE, and you are in yours. Life is about waiting for the right moment to act. So, RELAX. You’re not LATE. You’re not EARLY. You are very much ON TIME, and in your TIME ZONE Destiny set up for you.
If you're going to be weird, be confident about it.
有独立性格的人，懂得照顾自己，在事情处理妥帖后能尽情享受生活。 他们不常倾诉，因自己的苦难自己有能力消释。 他们很少表现出攻击性，因内心强大而生出一种体恤式的温柔。 他们不被廉价的言论与情感煽动，坚持自己的判断不后悔。 喜欢这样的人，也因他们并不在乎别人是否喜欢他们。
Some people try to find the one, while some try to be.
I'm a virus in the air. I'm looking for some host. So don't get too close, or you may get cough.
I'm a virus in the air. I'm innocuous for the time. But heed what's happening, in case I wake up in the morning.
I'm a virus in the air. I'm pacific in the wind, but seemingly not in your flesh. You shall get thirsty, thrilled, twisted. You shall rip your vessels and crush your heart. You shall deify the illusion in your mind. You shall crawl on the ground for whole day long.
So don't come. You never ever did, and never ever will.
Tried to let go. Almost succeeded
believe betray beseech
forever forsake forgive forget
no hope no dupe
I am too cautious to start a wrong relationship. I am too surreal to be real.
I don't really see much of anything. But I see you. That is crazy.
I am so sensitive that I act more like TCP than UDP.
I'm a vessel, filled with other souls.
footloose and fancy-free
I still have plenty of time, but there is no more for you.
Don't fall for me when I am capable of leaving.
Love is like shampoo, it takes a while to find the one.
Be good yourself. Be better together.
Rain or shine, I will be by your side.
Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to
Thank you for your interest in offering me a position as your boyfriend. However, due to the large amount of love confessions I received this year, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your confession at this moment.
Please be aware that this rejection does not reflect any negative evaluation on your confession. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of love confessions. With such a varied and promising result, it is impossible for me to accept all confessions, regardless of their outstanding confessing performances.
Again, I greatly appreciate your interest in loving me, and I offer my best wishes of success in your future love confession.
Dean of Love Confession Acceptance and Financial Aid
Please do NOT reply directly to this email.
The world's full of lonely people afraid to make the first move. — Green Book
若能避开猛烈的狂喜 ，自然也不会有悲痛的来袭 — 人间失格
Fate is worth the wait — Strawberries & Cigarettes
Loneliness is just a crime — Say hello
你是我患得患失的梦，我是你可有可无的人。 毕竟这穿越山河的箭，刺的都是用情至疾的人 — 写给黄淮
乍见的欢喜 潦草的散席 — 过境
Why do we choose to chase what we'll lose? — Jar of love
I'm a fool out of love 'cause I just can't get enough — The Show
-- "I love you"
-- "Love is a strong word"
-- "I acknowledge your existence"
像你这样的人 我除了喜欢你，还能有什么办法 你说的每句漫不经心的话 全在我心上开成漫山遍野的花
傍晚的阳光金黄而辽远，四季交替如此温情， 你迟到了许多年，可我依然为你的到来无比欣喜， 哦等一下，我要裁一段星河赠你， 人间烟火错落，你也不能逊色。
I am your partner, not your therapist.
The guy, dead before getting shot in the head, told a lie for a rest.
what makes a real man fake, himself or the world?
Too awkward to move forward.
If fate is linear time-invariant, then a time shifting may help.
往事不可追 来世不可待 过去已过去 未来尚未来
lolls around on the ground
take your time to tell a lie
I know who I am, but you don't know who you are.
Have no fear of perfect. You'll never reach it
Someday, someone will best me. But it won't be today, and it won't be you.
The only thing you should know is that you know nothing.
Your stupidity is eclipsed by your laziness --- Westworld
Oh my life, is changing everyday, in every possible way — Dreams
Our consciousness creates the present, just as it creates the past, from many distributed clues scattered in our mind.
from womb to tomb, we are bound to others, past and present.
Mystery is not about travelling, but looking with new eyes. Philosophy is not to learn, but to feel.
no rest, no mercy, no matter what
A cynic is what an idealist calls a realist. --- Yes Minister.
少年有他的山海， 有他的重重山影， 有他的万里波涛。 如果可以， 风给他， 沙漠给他， 天空也给他。 是无拘无束的风， 是会下大雨的沙漠， 是铺满星辰的天空。 万物给他， 让他自由。
I do what I want when I am wanting to.
I want to be a bad guy but I don't have enough time.
You are the poison and you are the cure.
I'm a freak cuz I'm afraid.
I can’t get enough and I’ve had enough.
It’s irrational to stay rational all the time.
The world is owned by constructivism.
One paper, one instrument.
You’ll see what you seek.
Everyone is a murderer and a murderee #EverybodySucks
Dreamers always dream. Players always play.
I am home where I am.
"There are decades where nothing happens, and there are weeks where decades happen."
Democracy doesn't account for stupidity
How can I grow exponentially if I work sublinearly?
The objective of life is too hard to optimize.
For now, I am considering all human behaviors, legal or illegal, moral or immoral, “understandable”. One has to be responsible for the consequences though. If you are a serial killer, you have to be prepared for being punished by law enforcement. If you are a sex addict, you have to be ready to be judged by “normal” people. I guess that is basically how the “modern society” works, right?
I would rather think of all these “odd” behaviors as some kind of revolt of the minority against the majority. What is right vs. What is wrong is pretty vague and in fact, the correctness of things often changes over time. For example, there seemed to be no space for LGBTQ ppl hundreds of years ago and perhaps one hundred years later from now, same-sex marriage is not only legal but required :)
I can feel Joe when she was telling the intriguing story. Well, I could also say she was self-defending sometimes (as Seligman said) but it doesn’t really matter, does it? Humans are too good at persuading themselves into sth that they like to do so as to feel comfortable when actually doing it. Just like they tend to sightlessly believe what they want to hear regardless of the bloody truth.
I guess the trickiest part of human interactions is that there is no way you can tell whether someone is lying or not when she/he is “expressing her/his feelings” rather than stating some factual or tangible things that you can easily verify. And humans, unlike ants, unfortunately, are so capricious! Even if she/he meant it when saying it, after a while she/he might also change her/his mind. The sad thing is that you couldn’t even know if she/he was sincere in the first place, except for taking their words based on mutual trust.
I think Joe is brave when choosing to be herself during the therapy session. After all, not every pedophile has the courage to expose himself. Don’t get me wrong. I am not praising/condemning pedophilia but as I said, you gotta be ready to pay the price when doing sth not accepted by others. But the question is, what do you want? Or do you even know what you really want? And are you ready to bear the cost? Things like this are too complicated and worsened by the fact that we are capricious.
I don’t know if the fundamental element of humans (or any other creatures) is sex. Personally, I think it would be too boring if so (at least it shouldn’t not the only one)... And perhaps I will never know it (if some magic anti-aging is not invented later). I still remember I was picturing a future where there is no gender and every one is somehow interconnected with each other. It may start with the die-off of males, which seem to have a harder and harder time to keep their sperm kinetic and have more defective chromosomes than females… Well, let’s use another story for that.
And yet, I hypothesize sexuality is what genes force us to do, even without us realizing it at times, to survive for themselves. What about memes then? Is homosexuality in our genes or just memes that are recently more popular than ever? Perhaps I am partially affected by the book <The Selfish Gene> (which is a good read BTW). One plausible reason it gives for supporting homosexuality is in our genes (which always try to reproduce themselves) is that: the first birth may make the second birth more inclined to be homosexual so that she/he could gain more advantages over his/her little sister/brother in later competitions.
It seems that (almost) every kid believed he was the center of the world in his childhood. After growing up, they become more “mature” and realize the globe is not centered around him. On the contrary, I still have a feeling that I am the center of the world, well, my world and here is why.
Different people perceive their surroundings differently. On one hand, people view things with emotions, shaped by their memories related to the same or similar things in the past (perhaps also dissimilar things in a more covert way like neural nets). On the other hand, it is simply impossible to tell if my world is the same as yours even if the functions of our eyes are similar and we observe (almost) identical things. When a man thinks his girlfriend is pretty while his friend disagrees with him, are they really looking at the same person in every detail and aspect? When someone passes away, is the world still meaningful, or rather, does her world still exist (excluding the possibility of an afterlife)? To that extent, everything around one person exists for himself, in the way he looks at them. Of course, being the center does not necessarily mean everything comes to you: according to the hypothesis above, everything lives autonomously in its own center of a different world created by its own observations, and the interactions among different worlds are rather complicated. An interesting counter-example of the independency of people comes from one book that I am reading: those participating in political or religious movements seem to be fanatically united with each other and live for the same purpose as if their worlds were the same. The theory in the book is that their lives are terrible (their world is crappy) such that mass movements give them a new purpose of life. The hope of a brand-new world makes them forget their aimless lives.
When I was a child, I used to pray to a “god” in my world. Well, it is more like negotiation. For example, I would promise not to play video games for a week and ask him for good grades in the final exams. As you can imagine, sometimes it works so I would continue trading with him, and sometimes it doesn’t. Unlike people with actual religion tho, I would blame him when it doesn’t work out instead of blaming myself :) I don’t remember when I started to stop relying on him. In retrospect, however, I guess one of the benefits out of this is that it makes me more disciplined and determined.
What's in your world?
I am often bothered by the statements that can only be proved wrong. That relates to what I wrote in a previous passage. Basically, for some arguments or claims, you can only prove them wrong but not prove them correct. This might be fine for science as there are so many people working on proving things wrong either directly or in some downstream applications. For interpersonal relationships, however, it is quite troublesome: the only means seems to be inferring the probability of sth holding true based on one’s credit history and other relevant pieces, which looks plausible but could still be annoying when you need to make a binary decision instead of just measuring the PR curve. Thresholding is too tricky esp. when every action counts and you won’t have another chance to reproduce the experiments. Well, this might be just an excuse (
rationale) of me lacking trust in others.
I feel like I am giving up something I valued, something I deemed precious. I can’t say whether it is good or bad for my inner world in the long run. But at least, it will probably reduce the expected amount of loss in the short term I presume. Although I find that I am still kinda different from everyone I know in some aspects, maybe I am more realistic (alike to other humans?) and less romantic now. After all, one can never live in his fantasy from womb to tomb, right? I am still not planning to give up on myself. But who knows? Maybe someday I may also do it. That, at least from my present POV, would be a tragedy tho. We are vessels filled with other souls. You’ve gotta make ends meet.
I used to think it is others that are difficult to understand. Recently, I started to realize I can’t understand myself either. What do I need? What do I want? How can I treat myself right without hurting others? Should I proceed or quit when the outlook is so dim and either way looks potentially damaging?
Someone told me loving yourself is always right, even at the expense of others. I would say a truly “selfish” man like me won’t agree with such a claim. Leveraging others is risky too. Hatred incurs hatred. Violence begets violence. If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you.
What if someone simply doesn’t have any morality and doesn’t even care? The word “PUA” appears quite often recently on the news. The victims may not have the power to rebel. But still, I (naively) believe that revenge will come one way or another, e.g., the “artist” might lose his job (if he values job over sex of course). Also, public opinion seems to be extremely powerful and can put great pressure on the ones in the eye of the storm. I was put under the spotlight twice by accident. But luckily, most of the “melon-eating people” were on my side :)
What if the stories are not under the spotlight then? I don’t quite believe in fairness and criminals may also get away with their crimes. However, I conjecture that their minds will be altered in a way that could prevent them from (originally reachable) greater success, i.e., they could have used the same skill/time for sth greater. But again, different ppl may value different things (what I value is apparently different from many men lol) and it’s hard to define one’s success. Also, that might just be self-consolation.
I have a hypothesis that one’s mind is largely shaped by her childhood. Boys that were harassed become gays. Girls that got infected become neat freaks. Those who didn’t feel love don’t know how to trust, and those who saw lies understand words matter. Some are born dreamers, some players. And dreamers always dream, players always play.
That being said, people still change over time after growing up. Every time when I look back at what I did a while ago, I would find myself an idiot. Perhaps this is a good thing, implying I am still not too old to learn. Plus, there is really not much I feel I should regret (if any).
People tend to take kindness for granted and only learn from badness. In a blink, it is already the end of the first decade. Hopefully, we all learned a lesson in 2019.
It's been quite a while since I wrote something (random) and then I realized 2020 has passed 58%! The future is always hard to predict, especially for a high-entropy year like 2020. This year is both long and short, with some mixed feelings perhaps for everyone. When I checked what I have done so far, it seems like there is nothing eventful compared to last years. Maybe I can only comfort myself with the facts that I am still exploring the unknown (publishing papers incidentally) and having fun with music (beginning to learn blues harp this summer).
More than 4 months has passed since the IL stay-at-home order was issued on March 20. Although I never hoarded any food, there was some awful flashback in my head too. Now, however, it seems like ppl are getting used to their new lifestyle (well, at least me). Or rather, it didn't even influence me as much. Anyhow, there is not much fun outdoors, and perhaps the only difference is that I changed from dine-in to food delivery... In the past 4 months, I only met one person that I know, which might seem unbelievable or unacceptable to some but apparently my brain is totally fine with it (now who is the real introvert lol). It's hard to explain why I enjoy being alone. Not that I don't need others‘ company, but somehow it seems like I don't really need in-person interactions (glad that we invented internet) after middle school. What have changed me...?
[Continued ravings on 11/27]
Are humans really social animals? What do we need others for? Are there ppl that don't need others' care or love? Are they more focused than others and thus better at what they want to achieve? I wouldn't say I'd like to be one of them (
although I have some of their traits already) but I will appreciate them if they have a clearer goal of life by being more independent and less interrupted (if their goals don't involve other humans of course). Note that I distinguish attachment from collaboration cuz usually one needs to work with others to achieve more.
How much of being social is in human's DNAs? If eunuchs are not asked to serve at some royal palace, can they have a better career than average men? How is being social connected to sex or reproduction? If it's more about hormones, do rapists with chemical castration have less need of friends too? Now I wonder if there are ppl willing to conduct chemical castration voluntarily (recalling some recent news that did it physically)... What do other humans mean to serial killers? Do they see all others as prey or only treat the victims differently? Do they need friends or only joy of torturing others? I guess such questions are too hard to answer. After all, most of us are of the "normal style". Even if being solitary indeed belongs to some recessive gene, it is apparently harder to get replicated. Memes probably can't help either since they are alone (mentally)... Perhaps that's why I still haven't found a person without any attachment to others. Well, I guess by definition I will never know since they won't be open to me ;)